It's hard to read or see anything different on the news as so much space and time is being taken up by revolutions, protests, and meerkats selling car insurance. Right, I thought, now it's time for me to publish some more of my really important alternative news stories of the week.
First up is Watson. No, not Sherlock's great sidekick, but rather a special supercomputer from IBM that has just finished beating the best contestants at the American game show Jeopardy. Yes, this machine was so clever at finding the correct answers (or questions) that it will probably be spending the rest of its life relaxing on some desert island with the winnings it made.
Talking about science, the Royal Society has published its annual report and said that there aren't enough schoolchildren studying scientific A-Level subjects, and the ones that do aren't helped by the lack of motivated teachers. This is leading to a never-ending spiral of film-studies and 14th century badminton rackets students . Okay, maybe their aren't that many types badminton rackets in the 14th century, but there definitely weren't any fast food burger joints offering degrees then either.
On a royal note, anything planned for the must-be-seen-at wedding in April this year? Well, for want of something unusual to write home about, why not visit Abingdon. This city will be having a bun fight in celebration of the occasion, catapulting thousands of currant buns from the rooftop of their city hall to the crowds gathered below. Just make sure you're wearing a hard hat in case they have had to bake them weeks in advance...
Not quite such a seamless link to this next story, but if you venture down to Covent Garden in the near future, you might get a shock when ordering an ice-cream. A parlour has started selling their deserts made from human breast milk rather than cow's. If tasting something which you haven't tried since you were born is not for you, you can always give some yourself. They pay for your milk in order to keep their ice-cream business up and running...
Remember the Russian spy caught in the US last year? Ever wondered what people get up to after being unveiled? Well, apparently they get employed to design the space suits for the next cosmonauts...
Other interesting news coming from that scientific centre in the East: Just under a third of Russians interviewed believe that the Sun revolves around the Earth. Yes, no riding on back of turtles or being flat for them. In addition, the majority said that all radioactivity is man-made, and 29% said that humans fought the dinosaurs for control of planet earth.
Animals sometimes seem so close to us humans though. Take monkeys. Some women would argue that most men are still closely related to these mammals. A further explanation has recently arisen, in that they have been found to wash themselves with their own urine. Before the females amongst you start saying "I told you so", the reason cited for this behaviour is that it makes them more attractive to the female monkeys. What does that say about you now? :)
If you decide to go off to the cinema to try and forget about that last piece of news, then be careful with your manners. In Latvia a viewer was shot dead after eating his popcorn too loudly. The rumours that this happened during the erotic parts of the Black Swan are as yet unconfirmed.
On a food note, the EU has given the humble Cornish Pasty a protected status just like Champagne, Parma Ham, and Stilton Cheese. So next time you go out to buy one, check it has the correct authenticity.
For those of you of an inventive nature, you'll be pleased to find out that something sought by thousands of students has finally been invented. Yes, a cocktail-dispensing-slot-machine. Play this one armed bandit and be rewarded with non-historic concoctions like a Long Island Beach or a Green Virgin Slammer...
And finally to something personal. As the last poll attracted a grand total of one participant, I think you've had enough of being asked what to do with this site. So I will make the changes from a democratic-dictatorship position and stop pestering you.
What about Mainz, you might ask? What's different about Oxford? Well, currently it's a lot milder here and we haven't seen snow since early Jan, whereas I have been reliably informed that there was some of that white stuff over in the Rhineland just last week. Being able to compare the Irish pubs is another major thing. Here you get the usual great Irish beers, as well as a couple of English ones too. Bu there is no fast-food ordering service from the place next door. No, sir. Here they cook you a lovely Irish Stew, or Steak and Guiness Pie, all served with the seasonal vegetables, just to make sure you have something healthy too. Has that whet your appetite yet Carlitos?? :)
Oscars tonight - better get the sparkling wine out...
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